By Lisa Spellman
Out of all the gifts we receive from God in our lives, perhaps one of the most uniquely human is free will. While He grants us the ability to make our own decisions, it is through accepting responsibility for our choices that God teaches us and, often, reaches us. God does not force. And while he allows us our individual freedom, it is through His grace that He manifests His greatness and love.
The awesomeness God’s grace and guidance have had a special significance for Dorothy Hayes. As an independent-minded woman, she is not one to be pressed into making decisions. A Catholic convert of 20 years, Dorothy describes her Catholicism as the “greatest gift of my life”. In her story, there are no dramatic revelations that influenced her decision to convert and no discrete turning points. There are only His gentle reminders throughout her life, almost as if God was saying, “I’m here. I’m here.” She speaks of the breadth and depth of God’s workings in her life, and over time how she grew more aware of His near presence. To this day, Dorothy has a great appreciation of how perfectly He understands each one of us: “He knows us so well, He knows just how to approach us.”
Growing up, she never expected to that she would someday convert to Catholicism. Her mother and father raised Dorothy and her three younger siblings in Rochester. While a loving family, Dorothy describes the home’s religious climate as that of “Christ-less Christians”. Though baptized and confirmed in the Episcopalian church, she has very few memories of other formal religious observance during her youth. The family rarely attended church. While they did accept general values of right and wrong, religion itself was considered more of a nicety, not a necessity. At times it was even described as a crutch. Despite this, Dorothy recalls that her mother always said bedtime prayers with her and her siblings. While this was more of a nightly ritual as opposed to an act of faith, it provided some context of acknowledging the higher power of God. “You have to wonder at how God’s grace works in our lives,” she remarks. Despite the lack of religious preparation, Dorothy still remembers that she developed distinct sense of respect for people who had religious faith.
As a college student in the early 1970’s, she became swept up with the social norms and attitudes of the time. She took pride and enjoyment in being able to make her own decisions based on whatever she felt was right at the time. During college, she also met her husband. Raised a Catholic, he was also influenced to some degree by the secular distractions in the environment. When they discovered Dorothy was pregnant, many people around her felt she should consider having an abortion. At the time, abortion was recently legal and readily available, and Dorothy remembers a casual attitude toward the subject on campus. Her husband, fortunately, took immediate responsibility. For him, abortion was not even an option. And to this day, Dorothy is grateful: “I had given no thought to the sacredness of human life and if it weren’t for my dear husband and his courage I very well could have been another abortion statistic. Good, strong men are so important because I felt very vulnerable. The girl I was could easily been led to a decision that would have devastated the woman I am today.”
She and her husband married in the Catholic Church, and attended the requisite pre-Cana marriage preparation program. During this time, she did not hesitate to respond yes to the question, “Will you raise your children Catholic?” While not considering conversion for her self, Dorothy felt in her heart that religion was a good thing for children and family. She and her husband had a son.
After college her husband went to business school and they later moved into the New York City area, where he was originally from. Living nearby, her Catholic in-laws became greater presence in her life. She found them to be respectful, helpful, and non-pressuring in terms of their religious faith.
Their family grew. Once the children were old enough, Dorothy and her husband chose to send them to Catholic schools. In helping the children with their studies, Dorothy received as much benefit of the catechesis as the children. Furthermore, she found the pastor of the children’s school a wonderfully supportive resource. He eventually became instrumental in her conversion. He began by simply ask her to come and talk to him. In a way, it was possible God was gently asking her the same thing. Through her conversations with the priest, she became more and more interested in the Holy Catholic Church. Partly because of her experience during college, Dorothy also became involved in the pro-life movement. The more her mind and heart opened, the clearer her path became.
Still, she experienced obstacles. Often times, Catholicism seemed to her a huge facade, imposing and intimidating. Unquestionably, she found some things hard to grasp. An example was the sacrament of Confession: while the concept of apologizing made theological sense to her, she found the act of Confession personally difficult. Fully comprehending and accepting the Catholic emphasis on honoring Mary was another. Over time, Dorothy grew to understand the simple meaning of Catholic’s deep relationship and reverence for the Blessed Mother. The commandments say to “Honor your father and mother, and thus who better to honor than Jesus’ mother?” she explains.
“With each step that I took toward Him, the more He revealed.” As she grew to learn and better understand the teachings of the Catholic Church, Dorothy recalls, “There was never a time where I said to my self, ‘This <Catholic teaching> is totally wrong’. Occasionally I thought, ‘Is this necessary?’”. At times, she found it a struggle to conform her will and let go of sin; a lifelong effort continued to this day. She spent time looking back on her life and some of the choices she had made. Like most people, she could recall times in her past when she wished she had done things differently. In reflecting on these situations, she realized that the teachings of the Catholic Church undeniably lined up with how she felt she should have acted. “Perhaps if I had faith at the time and was following it, maybe I wouldn’t have made such choices.” Through these reflections, Dorothy became more and more aware of the presence of God in her life. She also feels she received the benefit of intercessory prayer from heaven and earth.
Dorothy was accepted into the Church on Holy Thursday in 1988. She made her Confirmation and first Confession earlier that day in preparation to receive Holy Communion during evening services. “I had a lot of material to cover!” she remembers about her first Confession. Her earlier angst about the sacrament returned. She knew the importance of making a good Confession and did not take it lightly. Afterward, instead of feeling as if she lost a burden, she worried that she may have said something incorrectly or accidentally left something out. Troubled about this the majority of the day, she received her first communion that night. After receiving the Body and Blood of Christ, she experienced a flood of relief, feeling the wonder of His mercy and greatness. She remembers tears flowing from her eyes. It was not crying, but rather a sense of emotion she had never felt before
In raising a Catholic family, their faith enhanced her and her husband’s family-oriented principles. Living out their faith and adopting anti-contraceptive mentality, their family blossomed. Today she and her husband have ten children, and their happy, close-knit family is an example to all. The baby they were encouraged to abort decades ago is happily married and expecting his fourth child. In describing Catholic teachings on life and fertility, Dorothy explains that “These are really human truths. When we breach natural law we need to understand that we pay the consequences in blindness.” Living proof of her beliefs, Dorothy sometimes encounters this blindness first-hand, as she receives occasional negative comments about the size of her family. She continues to move forward in her life, finding strength in her faith and God’s continual gifts of affirmation.
Through the Church, Dorothy has found strength and continual growth, “The Catholic Church is set up to love you.” She cites the example of the Saints and the sacraments as instrumental tools for salvation. Through prayer, she receives God’s answers in her daily life. For example, Dorothy remembers spending time in front of the Holy Eucharist during Adoration. At one particular time, she was having some difficulty with some people in her life, and asked God how she could possibly love them. Immediately, the simple answer was given to her: “Love Me perfectly.” She says, “I found that I could love them through loving Christ.”
She continues to marvel at the chemistry between human free will and God’s grace. One time, a family member expressed concerned that she and her husband were burdening their children with stereotypical “Catholic guilt”. They asked what she would do if one of her children turned away from the Church. She replied, “It wouldn’t be what I would want for them, but I know I can’t force them. Guilt is often a necessary tool in evaluating our motives and actions. I would hope it would help them to look closely at what they are doing. We can’t force our children to love Christ, but as parents we are obligated to introduce them to Him.” She also shows her love for her children and her concern for their souls through her guidance, prayer, and daily example.
While human will and choices can be affected by good and bad influences, we have to remember who loves us. Dorothy’s insight is a lesson for us all: “God works in love, while the devil works in addictions and enslavements. God is always us asking daily, ‘Do you love me?’” It is up to us to answer Him.